As a psychologist and a sexologist, we've been spent a combined 50 years studying what makes relationships successful.
In our work with real couples, we've found that no matter how you slice it, most of them fail because of poor communication. But there's one powerful tool we teach that can be used not just in your intimate relationships, but with friends, family and even coworkers.
It also happens to be the most important skill every therapist needs to be good at their job: reflective listening.
Reflective listening can help save any relationship from disaster
The goal of reflective listening isn't to solve the problem for the other person, but rather for them to feel validated and heard.
If done right, their internal feeling should be: "OK, I feel understood now."
When we're certain that our opinions are respected, we can better work together to resolve issues before they turn from minor disagreements into major fights.
We want to prevent our body's alarm system from hijacking the conversation, so in order for this to work, make sure that the two of you aren't in the middle of a fight.
Then, follow these 10 steps:
1. Find a quiet place where you can both sit and make eye contact. Use an object (a cup, a cloth, anything) to represent who gets to speak. Begin the conversation with the person who has the object; the other person doesn't get to talk until they're handed it.
2. Introduce the conversation. "Help me understand…" or "I want to understand you." Let them know that you will listen until they are finished.
3. Allow your partner to speak freely without interrupting. Focus intently on what your partner is saying, maintaining eye contact or nodding until they've finished.
4. Check yourself during the conversation. Don't roll your eyes, sigh or show strong reactions. Remember that you're trying to understand them from their perspective, not yours.
5. Paraphrase what your partner says. "What I hear you saying is…"
6. Note your partner's feelings. "It sounds like that makes you feel…"
7. Fact-check. Ask whether you understand correctly. "Do I have that right? Did I miss anything?"
8. Thank your partner for sharing. Let them know that you appreciate having a better understanding of their perspective.
9. Apologize for how you contributed to the issue. "I'm sorry you felt that way. It was never my intention, but I realize that I hurt your feelings."
10. Tackle the problem. Now that your partner feels understood, the two of you can attack the problem together with the idea: "It's not you versus me. It's us versus this problem."
Of course, one conversation won't change everything. But consistency is key.
Armed with the right tools, you can better unpack what's going on and understand each other so that you can prevent future relationship strain — and ultimately strengthen your connection.
Jessica Griffin, PsyD, is a professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the University of Massachusetts Chan Medical School. She is also the co-author of "Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection." Follow Jessica on Twitter and Instagram.
Pepper Schwartz, PhD, is a sexuality expert and co-author of "Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection." She is a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle, where she created the Pepper Schwartz Fellowship on Intimate Relationships and Sexuality. Follow Pepper on Twitter and Instagram.
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*This is an adapted excerpt from "Relationship Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper Connection″ by Jessica Griffin and Pepper Schwartz, published by Rowman & Littlefield Publishers. Copyright © 2023 by Jessica Griffin and Pepper Schwartz.