Your word choice when talking to your kids is more important than you may think.
When you're overtired or irritated, it can be difficult to stay positive while talking to or disciplining your child. Still, what you say — and how you say it — matters, according to parenting expert and "Coach Parenting" author Erika Katz.
"As parents, we get exasperated and upset, especially with multiple children and multiple things going on," Katz tells CNBC Make It. "But we have to be careful that we don't take things out on our kids, or we don't use a tone that, really, they didn't deserve."
Addressing them with empathy and kindness can help mitigate anxiety, self-doubt and low self-esteem as they grow, she adds — and research agrees. Positive parenting can strengthen a child's mental health, lead to academic improvement and promote well-being throughout teenage and adult years, according to findings from The University of California, Davis.
When kids are shamed by their parents, meanwhile, research shows it can stunt their confidence and motivation. Children need both confidence and motivation to succeed in the long run, as those traits help them better tackle life's obstacles and show the resilience to bounce back from failure.
Here are four scenarios where you may get frustrated with your kid, and what to say, according to Katz.
4 phrases to use with your kids
When interacting with your child, an encouraging, empathy-based approach is best, Katz says. Here are some phrases to use in different scenarios.
- When they started their chores but didn't finish them all: "You did such a great job [completing one task]. Why don't we also ... ?"
- When they're showing aggressive behavior: "I know you're upset, but you may not [hit, bite, kick, etc.]
- When they're struggling with their homework: "You did [this other assignment] really well. I know you can do another one."
- When you didn't handle their emotions with care: "I apologize. I wasn't being sensitive to you."
Starting with the positive before you get to the negative is most effective approach, according to Katz, when it comes to correcting your child's behavior,.
"Find something good [that they did] before you jump into what can be improved upon," she says.
Using "we" instead of "you" while parenting comes off less accusatory: Opt for phrases like, "We don't hit, we don't steal. That's not who we are," she adds.
Perhaps most importantly, it's critical for parents to apologize to their children when they get something wrong. Some grown ups believe that saying "I'm sorry" to their kid will result in a lack of respect or show weakness. It actually shows vulnerability and lets them know that even adults make mistakes.
"As a parent, your responsibility is to control your emotions around your children," she says. "[When you don't], you have to acknowledge that and apologize. It's not always easy, but it's part of the job."
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