When it was reported that pop star Ariana Grande is allegedly dating actor and Wicked co-star Ethan Slater, people were shocked for a number of reasons — one of them being that the two are married to other people. Slater also has a child.
News of their relationship prompted fans to dissect Grande's dating history, and many claim the singer has a pattern of breaking up relationships and that the 30-year-old has almost exclusively pursued partnered people.
The nuances of Grande's romantic life are largely unknown to the public, but speculation about her "type" has fostered discussion about the allure of partnered people.
Why do some people gravitate toward those who are already coupled? Are partnered people more attractive than single people?
It turns out, there are commonalities among people who seek out the already-taken, says Scott Stanley a psychology professor and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. His research areas include commitment in long-term relationships, risk factors for divorce, and couple development before marriage.
Being taken might actually make you more attractive to those who aren't, he says.
"The fact that they are already in a relationship means that they have a certain value on the mating market," Stanley says.
'You can see they are a catch'
Even though logic tells us that a partnered person is unavailable, the fact that they are desired by others is exactly what makes them attractive.
Stanley likens it to real estate: Many people would buy a subpar home in a highly sought out neighborhood over a great home in a less popular place.
Similarly, a partnered person has romantic value to someone. A single person does not. Even if you're not getting the best version of that partnered person, you are getting something that at least one other person wants.
"You can see they are a catch," Stanley says. "And you don't really care about their current situation."
'You can't really jump in'
Someone who is attracted to partnered people might have an avoidant attachment style, Stanley says.
There are three main attachment styles: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy while anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.
Avoidant people, though, equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
"If a person has trouble fully committing, falling for someone who is already committed to someone else is easy because you can't really jump in," he says. "They might feel safer with someone like that because they don't have to cough up a lot of commitment because the person is available in one way, but not in another way."
And if you cross the boundary of dating a married or partnered person once, it no longer seems so extraordinary to you.
That's why people who cheat on one partner are more likely to cheat on the next. Stanley says: "Once a human has done anything, it's easy to do that thing again because you develop a sense that you could manage that or doing it changes your beliefs and values."
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