If you call someone a narcissist, it's likely that you've picked up on some of their less desirable traits: lack of empathy, little self-awareness, high levels of arrogance.
Like many personality disorders, narcissism is a spectrum, says Jessica MacNair, a therapist who has worked with clients who have narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD.
And a small dose of some traits that are linked to people who have NPD might actually be good for you.
"Some of these traits can be helpful with self-esteem," MacNair says.
To be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder you need to demonstrate at least five of these nine patterns described by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth edition, known as the DSM-5:
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or perfect love
- Believes that they are "special" and can only be understood by or should only associate with other special people
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a sense of entitlement, such as an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment or compliance with his or her expectations
- Is exploitative and takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends
- Lacks empathy and is unwilling to identify with the needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them
- Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes
A person who doesn't exhibit five of these tendencies can still have narcissistic personality traits.
'People walk around with those types of tendencies without causing problems'
Of course, many people who have narcissistic patterns use them to abuse or manipulate the people around them. But to a less intense degree, these tendencies can help a person be more assertive, MacNair says.
"Some of those traits, if they don't cross over to the excessive amount, they could provide a foundation for people with anxiety to learn to be more confident and set boundaries and to be able to say 'no,"" she says.
This is especially true in a professional setting. Slight narcissistic traits can help you get ahead. But they can quickly slip into becoming harmful, MacNair says.
"Many people walk around with those types of tendencies without causing problems," she says. "It's when it cross over a threshold of abusive and angry and manipulative, then it's bad."
'My very first thought has not changed. The results have'
Lee Hammock was diagnosed with NPD in 2017 and has been in treatment since. Hammock is clear that therapy has not cured him, but it has helped curb some of his more harmful behaviors.
For example, he has a child from his previous relationship. His ex and his current wife, who he also has a child with, are friends. They talk and coordinate plans for the kids. Before treatment, he says, this would have frustrated him and caused tension.
"I'd be silent and then pepper in some narcissistic rage to show my disdain and anger," he says. "Today, the same situation happened and I could feel the frustration setting in and I was like, 'okay, why am I actually frustrated?' I could see that I'm frustrated that I didn't communicate my schedule appropriately, as opposed to blaming them for the scenario and not including me."
Instead of lashing out, he sat in his car and took some deep breaths.
"My very first thought has not changed," he says. "The results have changed."
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