While weekly date nights and using one another's "love language" might help you create a healthy relationship, nothing will work as long as you engage in counterproductive habits.
I've spent 20-plus years as a therapist helping individuals and couples build mental strength. Growing mentally stronger can help you become a better partner, bring out the best in each other, and improve your relationship.
The number one thing mentally strong couples never do, I've found, is use their emotions as weapons.
What this toxic habit looks like
In a healthy relationship, you can both express your feelings while still respecting where the other person is coming from. But some people will use their emotions to manipulate a situation or conflict, sometimes without even realizing it.
How many of these statements sound familiar, for you or for your partner?
- I've cried during a conversation to make my partner stop talking about a difficult subject.
- I've expressed anger during a conversation with my partner because I wanted them to change their viewpoint.
- I've tried to use guilt to make my partner change their behavior.
- I've told my partner I can't discuss certain topics surrounding our relationship because the subject matter is too upsetting.
- I've used the silent treatment when I'm angry.
- I've reminded my partner that I'm too fragile to handle certain things.
If these behaviors ring true for either of you, you may be using your emotions as weapons.
Why we do it and how to stop
Many people use their emotions as weapons simply because it works. If your partner wants to get out of doing something, they might say they're too anxious. Or if you want your partner to stop talking, you might raise your voice.
These strategies can be effective ways to get what you want. But they are damaging tactics that can obscure what is really going on.
Someone might use emotional expressions to control others, because they feel like their real emotions are so out of control. This might tame some internal chaos, but only temporarily.
Try these communication strategies instead:
1. Create emotional rules for your home
Consider your unofficial house rules. Are you comfortable with them? If your partner is open to a discussion, talk about your rules and if there are any they'd like to change.
Point out behaviors that you've tolerated in the past that you might want to adjust now. You could say, for example, "I notice we slam doors in this house whenever we're angry. I wonder if we could find another way to tell someone that we're upset without being so disruptive?"
2. Respect, acknowledge and take care of each other's feelings
If a conversation becomes intense, take a break. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, but don't allow their behavior to dictate yours. Separate the behavior from the feeling.
You never want to invalidate their feelings. They're entitled to whatever emotion they have. But they are the one who is responsible for what they do with that emotion. Starting from there can help you build a stronger sense of trust.
If things start to get charged, you can say things like:
- "It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to scream at me."
- "It's okay to feel sad, but it's not okay to ignore me."
- "It's okay to feel frustrated, but it's not okay to call me names."
3. Come up with a plan together
Let's say you received a job opportunity that requires you to move several hours away. You feel excited about it, but your partner feels sad about the possibility of moving and they want you to decline. How do you decide what to do?
Does your level of excitement need to outweigh your partner's level of sadness about moving? Would you not move because you don't want to do anything that will upset your partner? Do you suggest a compromise, like you'll move to the new place and come home on weekends?
There's no scientific formula to follow when it comes to making relationship decisions like this. But it's important to talk to your partner openly and honestly about your feelings. And take both of your emotions into consideration when you tackle issues together.
Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, clinical social worker and instructor at Northeastern University. She is the author of "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" and "13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do." Her TEDx talk "The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong" is one of the most viewed talks of all time. Follow her on Instagram and Facebook.
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