You're never going to be the perfect parent. And trying to be is setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.
You can, however, be the parent your child needs, says Aliza Pressman, a developmental psychologist, co-founder of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, and author of the upcoming book "The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans."
This doesn't require you to have a monk-like approach to child-rearing. Instead, Pressman implores parents to practice patience and forgiveness with themselves.
To do this, she offers up three mantras that can help parents reflect before acting. They can also demonstrate to kids how not to be so reactive in stressful situations.
Say these while taking a deep breath, Pressman says. Maybe put your hand on your belly or your heart.
"More often than not, I'm the parent my child needs."
When you lose your temper with your child, your knee-jerk reaction might be to feel ashamed or guilty. And while it's understandable that you want to be the best parent possible, it's also important to give yourself some grace, Pressman says.
"It's just a reminder that we are never going to always get it right, but our kids just need us to more often than not," Pressman says. "It's a motivator like, 'You got this.'"
When your child observes your ability to mess up and then forgive yourself, it can help them learn that making mistakes is a common and manageable life occurrence.
It's just a reminder that we are never going to always get it right, but our kids just need more often than not.Aliza Pressmandevelopmental psychologist
"I'm not being chased by a bear."
It's easy to forget that, for the most part, "nothing is an emergency," Pressman says. The most imaginative threat to your family or your child is likely not knocking on the front door.
Repeating some version of this mantra — you can insert whatever unreasonable fear you have instead of a bear, if you wish — can help you take a breath and remember that most situations are not dire.
Your children might also learn that not everything is life-or-death, and that it's helpful to take a beat before acting.
"All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not."
"I never want children or adults to feel like their actual feelings are the problem," Pressman says.
Feeling embarrassed if your child, for example, throws a temper tantrum in a restaurant, is valid. But letting that emotion drive your actions is probably not the best idea.
"We can contain and control how we move through the world," Pressman says.
Taking pause and remembering to put your energy into self-regulation can help you handle the situation in a more stable way, and model what patience looks like to your child.
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