At some point during your teenage years, you probably developed an idea of what "success" as an adult would look like.
Sticking to that definition as an adult is a surefire way to end up unhappy, according to serial hospitality entrepreneur and New York Times bestselling business author Chip Conley.
"Whether we know it or not, we were handed a success script in our teen years that sort of defined for us what success was," Conley recently told Harvard Business Review's "IdeaCast" podcast. "And we either tried to emulate that and live up to it, or we in some cases rebelled against it. But in one way or the other, we reacted to it."
An inevitable part of adulthood is waking up and saying, "This is not my definition of success," he added. Most people reach this conclusion around age 47 as life dissatisfaction hits its peak, according to 2022 research from Dartmouth professor David Blanchflower.
But you can get ahead of that slump, no matter your age, Conley said. Here's how.
Look for the upside
Look for silver linings in frustrating situations, and don't rest until you've found them, Conley said.
Conley, for example, once had a goal of being CEO of Procter & Gamble. When it became clear that it'd never happen, he took stock of his options — and realized he could still become a CEO by starting his own company.
He founded Joie de Vivre Hospitality in 1987, and ran it for more than two decades. Today, he serves as CEO of another company he founded, Modern Elder Academy.
The idea of "positive reframing" shouldn't be confused with toxic positivity, where you force yourself to think positively no matter the situation, psychotherapist Jenny Maenpaa wrote for CNBC Make It in 2022. Rather, you should "acknowledge the negative aspects ... [and] evaluate whether there's another way to think about the situation," she noted.
Replace phrases like "My job sucks" with "Things are challenging right now and I'm feeling disconnected from some things on my plate. I wonder if I can change anything about this situation or my expectations about it," wrote Maenpaa.
Take back your 'agency'
Many people can relate to chasing a dream job because it'll finally make them happy, or it's what the people around them expect them to do, only to find that it doesn't deliver the joy they expected.
"You may be on the hedonic treadmill, a social science term that speaks to [the fact that you] are pursuing something. And then once you actually get it, you look at it in the palm of your hand and it's not nearly as valuable as you thought it was going to be," Conley said. "So you find the new shining object to pursue."
By ditching other people's expectations of you and setting goals based on your expectations for yourself, you'll feel more fulfilled by your accomplishments, he said.
Frank Martela, a psychologist in Finland, the happiest country in the world, agrees.
"There tends to be less status anxiety in Finland because people aren't so concerned about adhering to a rigid, societal definition of success," Martela wrote for Make It last year. "It can be hard to live with purpose if you're going through the motions, burned out, or filled with resentment because you're on a path that someone else picked for you. Even a meaningful job like being a doctor can feel empty if your heart isn't in it."
"Before you can give to someone else, you have to understand what makes you happy, and start doing more of it," wrote Martela.
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