One aspect of raising resilient kids is teaching them how to handle their emotions during uncomfortable or stressful situations.
When your child is having a meltdown at the grocery store, for example, your knee-jerk reaction might be to scold them and tell them to get over it. But, in doing so you're dismissing their feelings instead of teaching them how to deal with their feelings.
Everyday scenarios like crying at a restaurant or struggling to get ready for school in the morning can be opportunities to co-regulate with your child, says Aliza Pressman, a developmental psychologist and co-founder of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center.
Pressman is the author of "The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans."
"Co-regulation in parenting refers to the presence of a calm and connected caregiver who can enable a child to regain balance when they're upset or afraid," she says. "The caregiver is, in a sense, lending their nervous system to the child."
And the first step of co-regulation is handling your own anger or frustration.
"By sharing our sense of calm with our kids, we slowly teach them how to regulate on their own when they sense a possible threat," Pressman says. "What you want to do is you, yourself, regulate and the co-regulation will follow."
Here are 7 steps of co-regulation, according to Pressman.
1. Breathe.
Inhale deeply through your nose, and exhale.
"Yes, there's rich neuroscience behind the power of the breath; and no, you can't skip this step," Pressman says. "Take the breath."
2. Acknowledge.
Ask yourself the question, "What is this moment bringing up for me?"
Are you running late and scared you'll look irresponsible in front of other parents? Or maybe your child is refusing to eat a vegetable and you are anxious they'll be judged for being a picky eater.
"Reflect for a moment," Pressman says, and try to identify the root of your frustration.
You, yourself, regulate and the co-regulation will follow.Aliza Pressman
3. Let it go.
It's easy to get caught up in how this meltdown will affect the future or how you've handled similar situations in the past.
However, this isn't necessarily helpful. Let it go and stay in the moment, Pressman says: "You can unpack any baggage later on your own timeline."
4. Assess.
Take stock of the present moment.
"Gauge your own and your child's state of mind," Pressman says.
Are they calm, curious, frantic, or distraught?
5. Notice.
"Observe what's going on in your own body and what's going on in your child's body," Pressman says.
Check in on your breath and heart rate. Also pay attention to your child's body language. This can tell you how to move forward.
6. Connect.
"Let your child know verbally or with your body that you see them and care about their feelings," Pressman says.
Validating their feelings can calm their nervous system.
7. Engage.
Now that you're in a calm, present state of mind, make a decision on how to respond.
"If your child is yelling, you won't yell at them to stop yelling — you'll say it calmly, with authority," Pressman says. "No matter what the parenting dilemma is, your self-regulation is going to help you identify and respond in the space between permissiveness and tyranny."
Your goal is to soothe your child's emotions while also setting a firm boundary about what is and isn't appropriate behavior.
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