It's natural to seek advice before making a big decision, but you should be careful that you're not excessively worrying about other people's opinions so much that you aren't making the right choices for yourself.
"Some people's opinions do in fact matter, and they can have a significant impact on one's trajectory in life," says Michael Gervais, a psychologist with expertise on the link between the mind and human performance.
But FOPO, fear of people's opinions, can constrict your potential and prevent you from doing what you feel called to do, says Gervais, who's also the author of "The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying About What People Think of You."
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"FOPO is an effort to avoid rejection to be accepted, where we develop this exhaustive attempt to interpret what others are thinking to avoid negative evaluation by them," he adds.
Here's how to stop worrying about what people think of you
If you struggle with FOPO, here are a few steps that Gervais recommends:
- Focus on, and master, what's in your control: Remind yourself that another person's opinion of you is not within your control. And remember that you are in control of your response to potential judgment; this includes your thoughts, actions and overall attitude.
- Be clear about your principles: When you're clear on your values, any advice you receive will only be an opportunity to view things differently, not an obligation that has to dictate your next steps. "Even when there is somebody that their opinion of how well you're doing or who you are holds weight in the trajectory of your future," Gervais says, "make sure you're living your life on your terms, in harmony with the suggestions or the opinions that they might have."
Not clear on what your principles are? Gervais recommends following this process to figure them out:
- List the people who inspire you, and write what values they represent next to their names
- Jot down lines from songs or quotes and phrases that frequently come to your mind
- Think through the people and the inspirational words that you've written down, then come up with five values that align with them all
- Put the top values into one or two sentences, and those are your principles. For example, Gervais says that while Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s value was equality, his principle was to bring about freedom in a nonviolent way.
The 3 phases of FOPO and how it can affect your life
There are three phases of FOPO, according to Gervais: anticipation of the different ways people may react to the decisions you make, checking for external cues of rejection or acceptance and responding to the perception of rejection or acceptance, which can involve conforming or shifting your values to be validated by others.
FOPO's "negative effects reach into all aspects in our lives, including at work," says Gervais. It can slow down decision-making and decrease risk-taking, creativity, innovation and collaboration, he notes.
"When we stamp around the world trying to please others and [be] who we think people want us to be rather than who we really are, we live life on their terms, not ours," Gervais says.
Choosing not to excessively worry about what people think of you and your choices "doesn't mean that we're dismissing what somebody might be thinking, but we're more attuned to living aligned in the virtues and values that support a larger mission in life."
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