6 phrases you should never say to your partner, according to relationship therapists and dating experts

After a year of interviewing therapists and psychologists about relationship red flags, I've found that many are reluctant to talk in absolutes. A situation that is unproductive for one couple can fuel growth for another and vice versa.

There are some phrases, though, that experts deem toxic no matter who you are or what stage of a relationship you are currently in.

Here are six things to never say to your partner, according to relationship experts.

"Any phrase that makes global attributions about someone's character is highly toxic and negative and will not end well," says Lisa Marie Bobby, a relationship psychologist and founder of Growing Self Counseling & Coaching in Denver.

This "erodes" the attachment bond, she says, by making the other person feel like it's pointless to explain themselves.

"It deprives a relationship of the most important oxygen a relationship has, besides love, which is growth," Bobby says. "It takes away opportunity for growth and hope, and that can be detrimental."

In every conflict there are two "completely valid sides" that are often totally different from each other, Bobby says.

"If we use phrases like, 'That's not what happened,' what we are saying is my perspective is the correct one and there is no room for yours," Bobby says. "It's highly invalidating."

The goal of communication is to understand each other's perspectives, not undermine them.

Saying this invalidates your partner's emotions and communicates that you're not willing to understand their feelings, Bobby says.

"When you love somebody and are connected with them your job is to make space for the fact that they are different and just because your partner is experiencing something you're not doesn't mean they are wrong," Bobby says.

By dismissing the depth of their emotions, you can "sever an emotional connection," she says.

Empty threats of divorce or ending a relationship usually only escalate the conflict, says Rachel DeAlto, relationship and communication expert at Match Group and The League. 

"Unless you truly mean it and intend to follow through, threats to leave a relationship can be extremely manipulative and will erode trust," she says.

Saying this minimizes your partner's experiences in a way that can be harmful, DeAlto says.

"Dismissing your partner's feelings and labeling them as irrational will create a nearly impossible situation for resolving a challenge in a healthy way," she says.

In their book "The Love Prescription: 7 Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy" renowned clinical psychologists and researchers John and Julie Gottman identify two phrases that couples should never use: "You always" or "You never."

"These red flag phrases alert us that a couple is in shaky territory," they write. "The negative perspective might be starting to set in." 

This is often said after a partner fails to do something you assume that they know you want, The Gottmans write.

Instead of expecting your partner to know what you want, express your desires in a straightforward, non-accusatory way.

If you want more date nights, for example, don't say "You never take me on dates anymore," say "I miss you. Can we plan to have more one-on-one date nights this month?"

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