Funny Business with Jane Wells

Pulp Fiction Indeed And "Curing" Underarm Sweats



Quentin Tarantino

Director Quentin Tarantino tells GQ, "I might have been Shakespeare in another life." He says others have told him there are too many parallels, though he himself wouldn't know: "I have never really been into Shakespeare." In 2004, Forbes says 657,000 Shakespeare titles were sold, 388 years after his death. Do you think in 388 years they'll be selling a single copy of "Pulp Fiction"?

It’s title--Due to Popular Demand: Innovative Workplace Violence Programs
Yes, next to watching “American Idol” and going back on the Atkins Diet, people are demanding innovative workplace violence programs! Here’s my favorite paragraph from the release:
"With the arrival of spring, the days are getting longer. The sun is shining later and the flowers are blooming. People are increasing their amount of time outdoors and crime rates in the Midwest are out of control.”

So, what you’re saying is, it’s lovely this time of year until someone kills you. The release was put out by a St. Louis company called Executive Defense Technology, which claims violent crime grew at “double digit percentages” from 2004 to 2006 (um, no it didn’t). The company says it “provides a unique self defense training program that not only offers personal safety training but an inside look at the criminal mind and how it works.” Which will help protect you from Wanda two cubicles over.

If you go to the firm’s website:, you’re greeted by an avatar, an animated woman in front of the St. Louis Arch, who welcomes you. When she’s done speaking, she just stares at you, and her eyes follow the cursor around the page. I spent way too much time on that page.

I blogged last week about the rise in popularity of umbilicoplasty--belly button reconstructive surgery—and opined that there couldn’t be anything left to fix on the human body. WRONG. A new procedure aims to make life better for the “4.2 million Americans” who suffer from…excessive underarm sweating. Look at the 40 people to the right of you, and the 35 people to your left. One of you is stricken with this condition, and don’t look at me. The journal put out by the American Society for Plastic Surgeons says the new procedure shaves away one’s sweat glands to permanently solve the issue, so “patients can stop sweating over their conditions.” Heh-heh. That’s funny. No word on the price tag for the procedure… perhaps that might make you sweat somewhere else.

Last year I did a story about a company in the Midwest selling construction paper made out of elephant excrement. You laugh! Well, Dumbo isn’t the only one with a lot of fiber coming in AND going out. Scientists in Beijing are looking for paper mills to process excess panda poo into paper. The researchers at the Chengdu Giant Panda Breeding Base believe panda poo makes higher quality paper than elephant poo, and they hope to turn the droppings of pandas like Jing Jing into Ka-ching Ka-ching.

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