Funny Business with Jane Wells

'Carmageddon' Descends Upon Los Angeles

If you live in Los Angeles and ever leave your house, if you ever read the newspaper, troll the internet, watch TV, listen to the radio or talk to another human being, you know that this weekend the 405 freeway will be completely shut down—completely—between the 10 and the 101 freeways.

They're calling it "Carmageddon," and it is the end of the world as we know it. This is a town where freeways are more important than world peace.

The stretch of freeway being shut down is known as the Sepulveda Pass. It is the major thoroughfare from the San Fernando Valley to the west side of Los Angeles and LAX.

The 405 and the 101 is considered the busiest interchange in the nation, and I can vouch for that. Even if don't live here, you may be familiar with the 405. O.J. and Al Cowlings were seen on international television driving a Bronco northbound one evening long ago.

Everyone is being told to stay home this weekend. Yes, there are other freeways in Los Angeles, but apparently they're going to be even more clogged than usual. I will be reporting from the 405 on Friday, as California transportation authorities prepare to start closing down lanes.

The closure is necessary to bring down the Mulholland overpass to create a carpool lane, which, by the way, no one will use. Weddings are being rescheduled, trips cancelled, and businesses are trying to capitalize on the hype—one bagel chain in the Valley is offering a dozen bagels for $4.05—405, get it?

A friend asked, "Is the cream cheese then $1.01 or 10 cents?"

If someone actually shows up to the 405 on Saturday or Sunday shocked that it's closed, they're either from another planet, or they've injected too much Botox, meth, or both.

Even Hitler has heard about it, and it's totally screwing up his plans to pick up his cousin at LAX and to go Disney's California Adventure. (Warning: Adult language).

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