King George III applauds Jack Lew's tax remarks

CNBC has just received an extraordinary postmortem response to the opening segment of our "Delivering Alpha" conference from none other than Britain's King George III himself! His majesty's open letter to CNBC viewers and all Americans is below:

George III,  King of Great Britain and Ireland
Universal History Archive | Getty Images
George III, King of Great Britain and Ireland

We send our hearty congratulations to the American Treasury Secretary Jack Lew for his exemplary comments at your "Delivering Alpha" conference today about the importance of paying taxes to the government, regardless of how high and confiscatory they may be. Speaking of which, we intend to levy new taxes on this Delivering Alpha convention as soon as Parliament reconvenes this fall.

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Mr. Lew's invocation of the term "Economic Patriotism" is precisely the turn of phrase all of us at the Palace and Whitehall have been looking for to remind you colonists of your primary duty to the crown over and above this infernal "liberty" thing we hear coming out of the mouths of traitors like Samuel Adams, John Hancock, and the colonial terrorist George Washington.

For monarchs like us, the idea that firms or individuals might choose economic liberty over their duty to their sovereign is dangerous. So are the ridiculous notions of religious liberty, freedom of assembly, and something we're hearing about "the pursuit of happiness."

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Mr. Lew has done us a service by dispelling this foolish notions brewing in the colonies, but we must correct him on one important point on which he erred.

Our colonial subjects, please remember that when the crown taxes your tea, playing cards, candles, raw materials, etc. we do it not for your own good, but for the protection and promotion of the throne. Mr. Lew is confused with his assertion that taxes are used to provide you and your firms with protections and services like canals, roads and bridges. We have never promised you taxation with representation or even consideration for your needs. That is the kind of treasonous talk that we read in your ridiculous Declaration of Independence.

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Remember that this is not a democracy or a republic. This is a kingdom — an imperial kingdom to be exact — and we will not tolerate anything but total loyalty to our throne.

So yes, paying your taxes and all of your taxes without complaint is indeed economic patriotism and what we expect from you from now on. Follow the example of your Mr. Lew, whom we intend to honor with knighthood forthwith, and ignore these dangerous voices pushing outrageous ideas like "freedom" and "justice for all."

- HRH George William Frederick, King of Great Britain and Ireland

St. James Palace

Commentary by Jake Novak, supervising producer of "Street Signs." Follow him on Twitter @jakejakeny.