Funny Business with Jane Wells

You want bad gift ideas? We've got bad gift ideas

If people will buy ugly sweaters, they'll certainly buy stupid gifts. And if ridiculousness is your specialty (as it is mine), here's a quick roundup of dumb holiday ideas.

Fake gift cards

Prank Pack has decided that gift cards "are a wonderfully unexciting gift to give," so it's created some fake ones for "the worst businesses ever." These include a (fake) business called Cheap Meat, "Butcher Chuck Gordon's store of discounted, remnant meats & seafoods!" Or a card for Yestertech, a store that specializes in "outdated technology for discerning hipster(s)." Actually, I kinda wish Yestertech were real.


You've uglied up the sweater, time to move northward to your face with Beard Baubles. For about $10, you can order a pack of small, ornamental holiday balls to deck the facial hair with boughs of jolly. Profits go to support a charity that promotes the growth of beards to prevent melanoma. Beard Baubles have been so popular that they sold out, but the company hopes to resupply this week. In the meantime, just go to Michaels or Jo-Ann and make your own.

For the gals: Boozy 'feminine products'

Want to know how to sneak booze into the Super Bowl to avoid paying $25 for a 12-ounce beer? Buy some "Booze Tubes" disguised as tampons. Security guards checking your bag won't touch these, unless maybe you're a man.

Confuse your pet

Folks, I'm sorry, but your a dog. He likes to lick himself. He likes to chew things. He doesn't want to wear clothes. And he wants to drink his water by lapping it up from a bowl. But ohhhhhh, no. Americans feel compelled to turn man's best friend into a human. Case in point: the Pawcet, a drinking fountain for dogs. The Pawcet attaches to a garden hose, and when your pet steps on it, a stream of water shoots up like a drinking fountain.

"Once you demonstrate how it's done, your parched pooch can finally get his or her paws on fresh drinking water, even when you're not around," says the product description. Umm, that's what I have a water bowl for.

And finally: Gifts from the National Museum of Funeral History

There really is a National Museum of Funeral History.

It's in Houston. And it sells holiday gifts.

Possible presents include "furry bones" stuffed toys to scare the heck out of children who fear they ended up on Santa's bad side. My favorite gift idea, however, is the ballcap adorned with the slogan, "Any day above ground is a good one."

According to GameIt, an app that turns shopping into a prize-winning trivia game, surveys show the funeral museum is the dullest place to shop this holiday. Coming in a close second is the Men's Girdle Store. Dull? Hardly! Nothing says "Santa" like a male girdle. Buy the Jolly Old Elf in your life a 12-inch Zip-N-Trim Belly Buster or, if he's been more naughty than nice, go for the Extreme Gynecomastia Chest Binder.