"The problem is that in some ways, this is a real apples-to-oranges situation," the "Mad Money" host said.
Amazon, for example, chooses to promote faith-based investing, assuring shareholders that their India business will flourish and that robots will save time at their fulfillment centers.
"On the other hand, they didn't want to talk about new devices all that much. They didn't want to talk about their giant cloud operation, Amazon Web Services, either, other than to tell us that it's very profitable," Cramer said. "No kidding."
Watch the full segment here:
Amazon then erased doubts about their ability to execute by reminding investors about their massive cash flow. "It remains one of the greatest stock stories ever told," Cramer said.
Alphabet went about energizing investors in a different way. They talked about how their search engines help local businesses and about their cloud operations, which compete with Amazon Web Services and Microsoft Azure.
Company executives also touted the Google parent's ability to attract customers because of better analytic and hosting capabilities than its competitors.
"They went so far as to say that they have their own chief technical officer dedicated to you if you want to go with them. I really liked how management emphasized the cloud story, and they're making me a believer every time they focus on this part of the narrative," Cramer said.
With Alphabet's foray into the cloud still in its early stages, Cramer said that side of the business shows a lot of promise.
Cramer also liked what he heard about the tech giant's huge installed base for Chrome and Android phones, but wished they had expanded more in that area.
And Alphabet's $92 billion in cash, of which $56 billion is overseas and waiting to return to the United States, could mean some government-prompted gains.
"Alphabet, a Trump stock? Why not, if repatriation comes through," Cramer said.
All in all, Cramer thought the most important part of Alphabet's earnings call was one of the company's more subtle qualities:
"Their incredible emphasis on artificial intelligence that makes you feel like a genius when you don't really know how to spell or formulate a proper query to Google, it just figures out the whole thing for you. That may be their best attribute. It's what makes everything work, including the fixing the problems with the misplaced YouTube ads, which turned out to be something that the company managed to deal with in almost the blink of an eye," the "Mad Money" host said.
However, picking a winner between these two titans is a monstrous feat.
"Let's call it a draw," Cramer said.
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