Wires Crossed, Girls Gone Legitimate ... and a Contest!

Wires Crossed
The federal government announced its biggest telecom deal ever on Thursday, a $48 billion dollar contract. HUGE. But the Associated Press reports that journalists who dialed in to a conference call to learn who won this telecom cash cow couldn't hear the news ... because of phone problems. [Click on this if want to know who won the mega-contract!]

Girls Gone Legitimate
Filthy rich (in every way) Joe Francis, co-founder of Girls Gone Wild, has to show up in a Florida court today to explain why he had a tantrum during mediation to settle a federal lawsuit. Francis is being sued by some teenage girls and their parents for being victimized while “flashing in public.” Maybe you shouldn’t flash in public? Just a thought. In any case, Francis is facing legal trouble just as he also plans to expand his GGW empire into topless restaurants (Breast-aurants?). But there’s always good news. USA Today this week cited GGW as one reason “Sexualization” is one of the top 25 cultural trends of the last 25 years. Francis says, “This is welcome confirmation and legitimization that Girls Gone Wild is mainstream America.”

A "Funny Business" Contest!!

Please read the following press release, and whoever comes up with the best explanation of what the heck it means will get a CNBC t-shirt or a hat or whatever I can dig up out of a drawer around here. And I'll post your winning explanation. Here it is:

RALEIGH, N.C., March 29 /PRNewswire/ -- Qualyst, Inc., a leader in the development and marketing of novel and proprietary absorption, distribution, metabolism, excretion and toxicology (ADMET) technologies, today announced that orders are now being accepted for B-CLEAR(R) Kits using rat hepatocytes.

B-CLEAR(R) is a proprietary, patented system that provides for the in vitro assessment and in vivo prediction of hepatobiliary disposition, hepatic uptake, hepatic accumulation, biliary clearance and drug transport.

There’s more to the release, but it doesn’t make any more sense. Email your entries to funnybusiness@cnbc.com

Contestant #1:
It seems to me that they produce a product, illegal in some areas, that masks the fact that the user has consumed banned substances. Especially useful for job applicants, truck drivers, or anyone on probation....I wear size L, in T-shirts.... Am I clear?? Frank, Wisconsin

Contestant #2:
Jane - Clearly, B-CLEAR is a product targeted for expectant mothers. Prior to implantation, an embryo can be tested for the tendency to develop hepatitis. During pregnancy, the fetus can be tested for hepatitis. Always good to know, or is this a solution ... without a problem? Fight On! William

Michael Jackson Day 2
The “King of Pop” could always bank on one thing in recent years—being voted “Most Foolish American,” an annual April Fools survey of 1,000 Americans done by Opinion Research for publicist Jeff Barge (or at least Barge says he does a poll, maybe he just makes it up and that’s the April Fools part). BUT, after winning four years in a row, Jackson has been dethroned by…oh, come on, guess. Come onnnnnnn. You know who it has to be. One hint: no hair. No underwear. No husband. Yes, this year 76% of those surveyed say Britney Spears “did something foolish.” In second place, Paris Hilton. Michael Jackson fell to third, followed by George W. Bush and OJ Simpson. I guess OJ’s foolishness involved writing a book about how he MIGHT have killed his ex-wife IF he’d done it. Though in that case, the bigger fool was Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. for thinking it would be acceptable to publish the book, along with a Fox interview.

Finally, Three Cancer Cells Walk Into a Bar ...
I have yet another tidbit from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. At the Washington Biotechnology & Biomedical Association’s annual investor forum (ok, already, I’m betting these people are hilarious after one mai tai), scientist Johnny Stine explained why his company isn’t usually the sort of firm venture capitalists pour money into.

According to the Seattle P-I:
“I can't walk around beating my chest saying I discovered Enbrel," Stine said, referring to the drug made by Immunex Corp., and marketed by Amgen and Wyeth Pharmaceuticals. "I've only discovered a chemokine antagonist that was a contaminant in a chemical vial and maybe a protein antagonist for a seven-transmembrane receptor." Everyone laughed at this.

Well, who wouldn’t laugh?

Comments? Funny Stories? Email funnybusiness@cnbc.com