Five Signs We’ve Hit Bottom: From Bernie to Britney

The buzz around the market is that we’re nearing the bottom of this downturn, with market pros reporting that their early signals of recovery are flashing — things like two better-than-expected retail sales reportsand a steadying of a key manufacturing gauge.

Britney Spears
Britney Spears

And of course, there’s the mainstream media contrarian indicator: By the time the weekly magazines or celebrity-chasing tabloids put a trend on their cover, you can pretty much bet the trend is over.

While you were watching one of those news-o-tainment shows, here are some signs of recovery that you may have missed this week:

Bernie Madoff Is Behind Bars.

Bernard Madoff pleaded guilty to 11 felony countsfor what he admitted was a giant Ponzi scheme and apologized to his victims, before being whisked off to jail, where he awaits sentencing.

We are now one step closer to realizing our dream of Bernie, tucked in his 100-thread count sheets, being tapped on the shoulder in the middle of the night by a man named Bubba. It’s time to find a new financial adviser and set new goals.

Sears Tower Is Renamed.

The Sears Tower, the Chicago behemoth that only a few years ago was the tallest building in the world, is going to be renamed the Willis Tower, after insurance broker Willis Group reached a deal to lease 140,000 square feet that included the naming rights.

When asked for comment, a Wal-Mart spokesman said, “Watchoo talkin’ about, Willis?”

Cave Man Averts Foreclosure.

Curt Sleeper, the Missouri man who nearly lost the cave he and his family call home to the economic crisis, is going to get to keep his cave after all, thanks to a private mortgage contract from a New Jersey firm.

Saving your home from foreclosure? So easy — wait for it — a caveman can do it.

Layoffs Hit Sesame Street.

This crisis has wreaked havoc from Wall Street to Main Street and now, brought to you by the letter “T” for the tears we will shed, it’s hit Sesame Street. Big Bird & Co. got the news this week that 20 percent of the staff was getting the axe.

When things get so bad that demand for big, yellow birds and cookie-loving monsters drops, we have reached rock bottom.

Britney Spears Is Back.

In case you missed it, Britney Spears is making a comebackwith “Circus,” her first concert tour in five years.

If flashing fotogs, shaving her head and beating inanimate objects with an umbrella aren't enough to stop Britney from rebounding, then this is the bottom, b--tches.

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