As the latest Twilight film, "Eclipse",prepares to take the nation by blood-drenched storm, marketing types are working overtime creating tie-ins, no matter how flimsy.
Sure, there are the clothes and the coffee mugs.
There will be soda cups at Burger King , and even Ancestry.comis trying to grab the spotlight by reporting that "Twilight" star Robert Pattinson is related to Vlad the Impaler.
This isn't new.
When the last "Twilight" movie came out, someone asked online, "What's the stupidest Twilight-related merchandise you've seen?" Answers included everything from sexual devices to wedding cakes.
Friends pointed me to Twilight Eclipse paper, which doesn't appear to have any obvious tie-in to the movie, as well as recipe ideas for humans, vampires and werewolves.
But Vampire Furniture? Really?
"Would Wood or Metal Bar Stools make the perfect Vampire Bar for Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart in their roles as Edward Cullen, Bella Swan and Jacob Black?" reads a press releasefrom Home and Bedroom Furniture in Cypress, Texas. "After all, in the wake of unexplained disappearances and killings by a vampire army, coupled with a tireless effort to unite the two objects of her affection, Kristen Stewart will want nothing more than a good stiff drink...Who wouldn't need to belly up to the bar after weighing so many deadly options? "
Um, well, yeah, but that wouldn't be exactly legal, as "Bella" isn't 21. Neither is Kristen Stewart. Even in Texas.
But back to the choice at hand: wood or metal bar stools. What should Bella choose? "Where they seat themselves is extremely important for the two male protagonists," says the company's press release. "According to a famous legend, a wooden stake through the heart of a vampire will kill it. Hence, Robert Pattinson might want to firmly plant himself in one of the Classic Metal Bar Stools instead of a wood one." Oh but that won't work for Jacob. "Taylor Lautner will probably want to opt for one of the Wood Bar Stools Edward shuns. Why? Because a metallic silver bullet or blade can kill a Werewolf. In fact, legend holds that this negative reaction to silver can be so strong that the mere touch of the metal on a Werewolf's skin will cause burns. And one thing is for sure, no tween Twilight fan wants to see any harm like that come to heartthrob Taylor Lautner's nice tight butt."
This is the sort of connecting-the-dots-marketing which might make a werewolf howl in disbelief. Truth be told, none of the actual bar stools Home and Bedroom is selling appears to have any actual tie-in to Twilight. They're just regular bar stools. However, if you order something from the web site, the company promises 10 percent off if customers use the savings code "vampires". Now that's a discount you can sink your teeth into. Heh, heh.