How you and your partner can better communicate about money

You may hit it off with someone romantically, but money can divide the most ardent lovers.

According to a February 2024 survey from fintech firm Bread Financial, 56% of couples say their spending, saving and investment philosophies aren't compatible with those of their partners.

That can lead to trouble: Of respondents who merged bank accounts with their partner, almost half (48%) said they uncovered financial mismanagement, bad credit scores or surreptitious purchases.

CNBC Select spoke with Wendy Wright, a Denver-based financial therapist and marriage counselor, about how couples can keep conversations about money from turning into bitter arguments. 

There's no perfect time in the relationship to start talking about budgets and financial goals. But if it hasn't come up naturally in conversation, bring up money before making a big decision like moving in or getting engaged.

If you're still in the early stages of your relationship, focus more on discovering if you have compatible financial values than on specific goals. Talking about money can be awkward, so Wright suggests gradually broaching the subject to get you both comfortable.

"Otherwise there's this pressure to put everything into this one conversation," Wright said.

Couples should aim to have numerous conversations, focusing on just one or two topics at a time. Wright recommends setting aside a dedicated time and space for these "money dates," which should be limited to 45 minutes and be spaced out enough to have at least a few days between sessions.

"That builds trust and also shows that you don't have to know everything all at once when it comes to money," she said. 

Address differences head-on and try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Most importantly, approach these topics without judgment. Try to avoid kneejerk responses — If the conversation becomes too heated, Wright said, take a breather and come back to it when you're both feeling calmer. 

Financial therapy emphasizes examining the underlying emotions and beliefs that drive behaviors around money. To do this, couples must be able to move beyond surface issues and toward a more holistic understanding of how money affects their lives. 

One strategy Wright suggests is to avoid using the word "money" and hone in on what emotional issues are beneath the dollars and cents.

"When someone is saying, 'I'm stressed about money,' they're probably saying 'I'm stressed that maybe I've made a mistake here,' or 'I'm stressed that I won't be good enough,'" says Wright.

By focusing on the underlying emotions, couples can gain a deeper understanding of each other's values concerning money and hopefully find common ground.

As couples take on joint commitments and contemplate building a life together, Wright encourages them to create a money map. This is a timeline that visually represents each person's financial plans. You may want to take a $5,000 vacation every year, for example, or save a certain amount of money by retirement.

Whatever your goals, they should be reflected on the money map. 

"Without judging them and without doing the math," Wright said. "Just put them on there so that each person is allowed to dream. Often within a relationship, as soon as one person says, 'I'd like to take this vacation,' the other partner starts to feel responsible for it and feels like, 'Oh now, we've got to make that happen.'"

That's where tension builds, she says.

Once you've laid out a money map, start prioritizing which goals you both want to achieve first. ​​Budgeting apps can help keep track of your assets and how much you need to turn those dreams into reality.

Honeydue is a free budgeting app specifically designed for couples. It syncs to both of your bank accounts and offers bill reminders and spending category alerts to help you stay on track.

If you and your partner are looking to pool your money for a down payment or a dream vacation, SoFi Checking and Savings topped our list of best joint bank accounts. If you set up direct deposit, it has a healthy 4.60% APY* on savings balances and 0.50% APY on checking balances.

There are no account, overdraft or maintenance fees and no minimum balance requirements. SoFi is an all-digital institution, but you get fee-free access to over 55,000 ATMs across the network.

Since your financial situation will change, you and your significant other should remain open to reviewing your goals and adjusting as needed. 

You might have agreed to split the household bills evenly when you first moved in together, for example. But if one of you lost your job, sticking to that could create friction.

Wright advises couples to stay flexible when deciding who pays for what in the relationship and approach each conversation about money with an open mind.

"It's telling if someone is highly rigid around [finances] and they're like 'Oh I make 32.8% more than you, so I'll pay that much more,'" she said. "We want more flexibility. We want to be able to talk about it and say, what are some other ways that someone can contribute?" 

Couples should reflect on their relationship with money, visualizing their financial priorities and deciding on a plan to achieve them together. Starting financial discussions early helps partners align financial goals and develop a strong foundation for a future together.

At CNBC Select, we work with experts who have specialized knowledge and authority based on relevant training and/or experience. For this story, we interviewed Wendy Wright, a Denver-based Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Financial Recovery Counselor.

At CNBC Select, our mission is to provide our readers with high-quality service journalism and comprehensive consumer advice so they can make informed decisions with their money. Every personal finance review is based on rigorous reporting by our team of expert writers and editors with extensive knowledge of personal finance products. While CNBC Select earns a commission from affiliate partners on many offers and links, we create all our content without input from our commercial team or any outside third parties, and we pride ourselves on our journalistic standards and ethics.

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* SoFi members with direct deposit can earn up to 4.60% annual percentage yield (APY) on savings balances (including Vaults) and 0.50% APY on checking balances. There is no minimum direct deposit amount required to qualify for the 4.60% APY for savings. Members without direct deposit will earn up to 1.20% annual percentage yield (APY) on savings balances (including Vaults) and 0.50% APY on checking balances. Interest rates are variable and subject to change at any time. These rates are current as of 12/12/23. There is no minimum balance requirement. Additional information can be found at http://www.sofi.com/legal/banking-rate-sheet.